Profile
https://fdrpodcasts.com/4922/i-dont-want-to-be-a-mother-anymore-freedomain-call-in
Hi Stefan,
I am a stay at home mom to a 3 1/2 year old girl. I have a wonderfully supportive husband and a daughter that is smart, loving and very challenging to me.
I'm writing to you after having a fit of rage where I find myself saying 'I don't want to be a mother anymore.' Even typing these words I start to feel immense sadness and cry because I know my best self doesn't believe that. I've had these fits more often over the past couple months and they almost seem to get worse. They happen after being with my daughter when she is repeatedly disobeying my wishes to stop climbing on furniture, yelling or hitting. I become overly frustrated and angry and will throw or kick something so hard that it breaks. There have been times when I feel like hitting my child but do not, instead I grab and or forcibly pick up my daughter in a way that is scary to her and is also scary to me. I don't know how else to explain it other than describing these fits as demonic possession. There have been many times I've been able to see myself getting frustrated and I take a deep breath or go for a walk. After I overcome one of these potential fits I believe I've solved the problem and I say to myself, 'that was hard but also kinda easy', only to be caught off guard by this anger again.
I was raised by a mother who physically and verbally abused me and I don't want to turn into her. I would like to know better ways on how to manage and eventually stop myself from going to a place of rage when situations get difficult. My ACE score is a 4 which seems low but the lasting effects of the abuse have been difficult to overcome. I realize a huge component of this is confronting my mother...for which I am terrified to do so.
I am so ashamed to admit to this behavior because I have listened to your show quite often over the past 4 years, especially to the shows where you cover parenting (which is the root of most of the world's problems). I have found your advice to be very profound and helpful to me over the years. I hear you speak of your daughter and your relationship with her and, quite frankly, I would love a relationship like that with my daughter.
I have gone through some therapy which has helped illuminate some of the inner workings of my subconscious and shadow. I still talk to a therapist once every 6 mo. (which I realize is pathetically seldom) and read up on respectful parenting but have a hard time committing to the hard work (which sounds like another problem). I would extremely appreciate a conversation or any advice you may have for me.
https://feeds.feedburner.com/AlmostNovel
From a listener...
"Almost" was totally epic thank you!
Really feel like I understand the era for the first time. So so so much better than the years of superficial bland soulless school history lessons which I found never offered any real sense of the politics surrounding this period which you portray so eloquently.
The only downside was I finished listening to it on the way to work this morning, so turned up in tears! 😆My my what an ending! 🤯
Dear Stefan
I'm writing this email because I really would like to talk to you. I'm in a big life changing situation but I believe there are still past ghosts that are holding me back. I was raised by my grandmother who has been abusive to me since the age of 3. I wasn't alone in the household I live with my older sister. My mom has schizophrenia and my dad left me when I was 3 years old. I've met my father once after a lot of convincing from my brother (that I found out about when I was 17 years old.) There is a lot more I could add, but I don't think it's worth writing it all...
Hi Stefan,
This is the most difficult message I have ever had to write, but after being a listener of yours for 4 years now I finally have to accept that there is both continuity and a cause to the endless failures that seem to shape my life thus far. I have an ACE score of 7, although I do believe that special consideration should be given to the context of the abuse, in my case this would surely increase my score.
Violence, incest, abandonment, neglect, torture and betrayal are all major themes in my family history. Each time I listen to a freedomain call-in show a light is shone on to either a suppressed or repressed memory of mine, and it becomes increasingly clear that I am actively, perhaps subconsciously refusing to succeed in life. Most importantly, I am beginning to understand why no one has ever intervened to stop my self destruction, and even more terrifying is that their existence depends on my destruction.
I am a British born West African male in my early 30s. I am tall, handsome, intelligent, charismatic, athletic and curious, but despite these gifts I have nothing of value to show for my time on this earth. I have bounced around from one addiction to another, from recreational drug use to sugar binges. I suffer from insomnia, chronic overthinking and crippling self doubt. I have never loved or been loved, but most disturbing to me is that I have never been loving to myself. I have dropped out of university twice, college three times, and procrastination has been my only consistent friend. After many years of inaction I am now afraid to dream, because each failure I add to my internal resume gradually erodes my sense of self worth and efficacy.
As a child I would curse God for creating me and forcing me into existence, I thought it was a sick joke that he would make me live a life of suffering. I often wished I could snap my fingers and end my own life. I had no real friends, we were discouraged from socialising outside of the immediate family, it was school, home and church.
My earliest memories were of being beaten by mother with the heel of her winter boot, being abruptly sent to live with an old woman relative in west Africa, and not seeing either my mother or father for months after that, all without any explanation at all! I have never had an intimate conversation with my mother, I have no memory of ever being hugged by her, I often wonder if she could mention 2 things that I enjoy doing. I have a memory of being woken up in the middle of the night by my mother and told to scrub my body in the shower with a soap from west Africa that had been prayed on and that would remove any evil curses. I could go on and on Stefan.
The true darkness of my family and childhood is buried deep, and even to think about it is to risk too much. The perpetrators and victims have families of their own now and this is why I haven't contacted you before today. I feel as though I am trapped in a cult of secrecy and shame. I truly believe that the victims in my family are quietly and politely dying inside as we look at each other for permission to cry out! But of course , there will never be permission. I am frozen in time, frozen by shame, frozen by fear, Frozen. Help Please Stefan.
I am currently studying for a master's degree so I can be available at anytime of day and on any day of the week.
My questions is, why haven't I been able to start a life of my own? And what must I do to escape the gravity of the past?
Thank you Stefan.
Hey Stef, I hope you're doing well. I'm sorry I didn't add any contact info in my first email that wasn't fair to you, pretty much asking you to do all the work and reach out to me (maybe that's the missing legs part of me). I hope we can set up a call and maybe just have this chat between you and I there's a lot of stuff that's happened to me and I have done myself I don't want public but at the same time If It can help people, I think I'd be ok with it being public despite being thoroughly embarrassing and humiliating. I could however talk about myself and this dream and leave out some of the embarrassing parts of my life to make it a public call-in podcast. Below I have the dream I had copy and pasted from my first email I have changed some of the wording cause some of it was irrelevant to the dream and I added a few more relevant details I left out as well as another similar dream.
I had this dream about two and a half years ago, I was lying in my very messy room on my bed looking at myself who was hovering horizontally in mid-air. I felt such wisdom, integrity, intelligence, creativity and strength coming from him. He was very fit; hair and beard perfectly groomed his skin flawless he was wearing glasses (which I rarely ever wear ). I noticed he was asleep like a dead sleep motionless I couldn't hear him breathing, I noticed but tried to ignore the fact that he had no legs. Knowing that he was me and I was looking at myself I had to know who I am and what I look like so I went to go look down at my actual self-lying in the bed, and my vision instantly pivoted to a third person view like a person standing at the foot of my bed and all I saw there was a ball of light and dark fighting each other.
The other similar dream I had was a couple months before that one. I got home at about 3am midweek completely drunk and stoned after hanging out with some drinking buddies ( pretty typical day at that point in my life ). I face planted on the edge of my bed not fully on it, and the moment my face hit the bed and I closed my eyes I saw myself made of pure light very awake and smiling at me with a slight tear in his eye. At that point I had screamed at the top of my lungs and started to back up into a wall and curl up into a fetal position. The screaming I was doing continued till I woke up; I wasn't sure if I was screaming in real life too, I could still hear myself when I woke up. Even to this day I have never been so afraid in my life I was too uncomfortable to be in my own skin. Although now I love seeing him and want to be him (myself ) so badly...
https://opensea.io/assets/0xd07dc4262bcdbf85190c01c996b4c06a461d2430/648801/
When I was 23 years old, I wrote a ferocious response to The Communist Manifesto. In this document, I unpacked all of my philosophical beliefs, tracing moral arguments all the way from theories of reality, the validity of the senses and the epistemology of reason – to my fledgling theory of ethics, which many years later turned into Universally Preferable Behaviour.
I shared this document by mail, and entered into a variety of debates to improve its contents, and now, at the ripe old age of 54, I go back 31 years to review my thinking as a young man.
This document is a true treasure in the history of philosophy, because it shows where my thinking was over three decades ago. Over the course of almost 2 and half hours, I read through the document, analyze my historical thinking, and compare it to where I stand now.
Purchasing the NFT gets you access to the Ultra High Definition video of me reading and analyzing the text, as well as a PDF of the original Rationalist Manifesto, which I have not touched or edited since I finished it so many years ago.
Reading this document has given me a deep appreciation of where I started, and how far I have come – I hope that you find it is fascinating and illuminating as I do in understanding what I got right, and what I got totally and completely wrong!
Hello Stefan,Â
I have been a follower of your work since 2015, I have listened to hundreds of hours of your call in shows and have found them extremely helpful.Â
The reason I am writing to you is because I believe your wisdom will be invaluable in overcoming the horrors of my childhood. And maybe a discussion on this issue between us will be helpful to others as well. I am 21 years old, just setting out into the world, but I am petrified that I will end up like my father.
I have an ACE score of 5. I was beaten, yelled at, neglected and my father was a drinker and sociopathic welfare leech. My mother was also manipulative and abusive. I have defooed for several months now and I am doing better, but I am still haunted by the events of my childhood and my inner parents still torment me daily. I self medicate with marijuana daily, despite knowing the repercussions. My older brother was the favourite (and he admitted it) and he supports my parents financially despite their abuse. I have always been the black sheep of the family and I have always been looking forward to the day I can get out. I got out in 2018 but I still haven't escaped entirely. I am still extremely self critical and struggle with bouts of severe depression. I have a brief history of self-harming and have had suicidal ideation.Â
Despite moving away, going to university and getting good grades and becoming financially self sufficient with a stable income, I still believe I won't amount to much. My adverse childhood experiences have lowered my IQ and left me with a bevy of bad habits and thoughts.Â
I tried confronting my mother on what she did but I got the usual excuses and gaslighting. "You were a bad kid." "I did what I could." "I fed you." Etc.Â
I e-mailed you to be on your call in shows back in 2017, and you offered to have me on but I didn't go through with it out of fear and youthful stupidity. I was living with my parents at the time and scared of them. While I do regret wasting your time, I am glad I could delay talking to you to a point in my life where I have some agency.Â
Worst of all, because I was not socialized properly during my childhood I can't form real bonds with people, and in every social situation I am the outcast. In every group of friends I am always the odd one out and end up drifting away, preferring to stay in and smoke weed and be alone. I have never been in a real relationship and I have been very promiscuous in past. I am at a crossroads in my life where I am unsure if I will be able to have kids and provide for them and keep a partner around for the rest of my life.Â
I am tormented by my thoughts daily. I live a life of quiet desperation, one I know will lead to the same outcome as my father. I hope I can escape the cycle before it is too late.Â
Sorry if my email has been a bit disorganized but my thoughts on the topic are also disorganized.Â
In short, how do I overcome the horror of my childhood and realize the potential I know I have? How can I be free of the thoughts and feelings that constantly torment me? How can I fix my heightened fight or flight response and how do I become able to normally socialize with others?Â
Thank you
Dear Stefan
I'm writing this email because I really would like to talk to you. I'm in a big life changing situation but I believe there are still past ghosts that are holding me back. I was raised by my grandmother who has been abusive to me since the age of 3. I wasn't alone in the household I live with my older sister ( 7 years older ). My mom has schizophrenia and my dad left me when I was 3 years old. I've met my father once after a lot of convincing from my brother (that I found out about when I was 17 years old ). There is a lot more I could add, but I don't think it's worth writing it all.
My main question now is that I'm in a relationship with a woman that seems to be ideal for me, how do I not mess it up. Because my best friend that knows me for 7 years and we were closely connected told me I do have anger issues (I'm working on it and I believe I made good progress when compared to the past me )
Also I have my own company but somehow I feel like I don't deserve any of that. Now that my sister is pregnant I have the duty to pay my grandma and my mother every second month. There were times I wouldn't have enough food for myself but I'd send money to them. I understand it sounds absurd to you. If we could have a call I think I can clarify things better. I've followed your podcasts since 2019 and It helped me a lot.
Thank you Stefan. Hope to talk to you soon...
Poll: Americans Vastly Overestimate COVID-19 Hospitalization Rate
Download our app to read more at https://ept.ms/DownloadApp
HOW TO STOP MANIPULATING PEOPLE!
Stefan,
Tonight I surprised myself. To put things mildly, my relationship with my father was difficult. He was the kind of father for whom I could climb to the metaphoric peak of Everest in achievement and his response would be "is that it?". When he died in 2017 I was left a self destructive wreck, but listening to the content of you and similar producers helped me slowly come to terms with the reality that his dissatisfaction was really with himself and projected outward on me; I wasn't the flawed one.
This realization helped me regain stability an proceed forward, but I've still been "off". While I have achieved a decent degree of success in the material sense, I still have an great difficulty to connect with others in means plutonic or romantic. Though I have some "internet friends", I've been largely isolated other than my connection with my mother, with whom I have what I could best describe as a "cautiously close" relationship.
I recently helped her move and am staying with her until I can finalize a visa process (I plan to move to East Europe in a few months), and we were planning on taking a trip to Colorado tomorrow. She asked me to put some heavy things in the trailer, I told her I would and had every intention to do so. I had a few beer tonight and was taking a nap on the couch (planning to put them in in the early morning), and she woke me up to tell me she did it already and asked me "why I can never be relied on". In my semi intoxicated state I asked "do you just want me to be dead?" to which she responded "No, but I wish I could rely on you." I stewed on that, even had dark fantasies about taking my revolver and blowing my brains out, "I won't be a burden for you anymore." Instead a grabbed a lamp and smashed it on the ground in her living room.
It's been years since I had an outburst like this, and it surprised me as much as it did her. I thought that I had come to terms with whatever emotional wounds I have, but clearly her words hit at a point that provoked something. I awkwardly explained to her what set me off about her words and she offered an apology, but what's standing out to me now is that clearly I have demons that I only buried rather than properly exorcized. I was hoping you might be able to help me figure out what the actual root cause of such anger is and how it can be constructively overcome. Thanks.
My daughter is making me an elaborate birthday dinner!
Here is the show from yesterday though...
https://fdrpodcasts.com/4910/stop-bullying-yourself-locals-livestream-23-sep-2021
FROM A LISTENER:
People get "upset" when you brag about your supposed achievements because your narcissism and self-aggrandizement is absolutely blaring in this instance. How you don't see it as such an apparently intelligent person is completely mystifying to me. You did this hour long call-in show about why people point out your obvious narcissism, which is, in itself, highly narcissistic. You speak about self-knowledge, but you clearly have no self-knowledge at all if you can't see your own narcissism.
Your fuzzy math about how many kids you've saved from being abused is just hilarious. Like even if you have saved some kids from being abused, your ridiculous fly-by-night equations to get the numbers you did is just absurd. Like just say "I've saved children from being abused". Even I would agree with that, but when you try to quantify it with these ridiculous numbers, it shows how self-glorifying you are.
Even in this call in show, you ignore one of your listeners when he brings up the valid argument that in the show, you set up an impossible standard: you said that you'll only listen to criticism from people who can be shown to have saved children. As if that has any bearing on the validity of someone's argument. This is just a really weird Ad Hominem fallacy. "I'm not gonna listen to you because you don't work for CPS!"
The vast majority of people, obviously, can't demonstrably show that they've saved children from harm like some kind of caped superhero. That's an absurd, impossible standard. It's a complete fallacy. What you're doing is setting yourself up as being above criticism, given this impossible standard - as the caller rightly points out (albeit in a very timid manner).
The irony here is just absolutely astounding.
Is this what's become of the great Stefan Molyneux? Whining for an hour because of what one of his paying subscribers wrote on his locals page? Maybe it's time to think about retiring, man.
Are you on dating apps? Here's how to find a mate!
https://freedomain.locals.com/post/1066517/video-how-to-win-at-dating
