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Dear Stef,

Long time listener and supporter, genuinely grateful for your work and your courage and integrity to do what you do and be who you are- your show was absolutely a catalyst in changing my life, and it is with deep humility that I say I am very happy and owe a great debt of gratitude to you.

I started out with an Adverse Childhood Experience score of 9, and was on a rocky disassociated path until my mid twenties, when (due to your show) I started seeing the entire world differently, and found the strength to take control of my own life.

In my 30s, I am now very happy and grateful for the blessings I have. I am married to a wonderful caring man, with wonderful family members, and I am the immensely grateful mom of an 8 week old girl. (I always wanted a loving family, but refused to have a child with anyone who I wasn’t absolutely sure would be an excellent father. ) And as you probably noticed, I almost aged out of the best thing that life can offer. So I say again, I am grateful for the blessings I have.

The reason I am writing you, is that I am struggling with feelings of sorrow related to my family of origin, and specifically my mother and brother. I’ve had an on and off relationship with both, and about ten years ago, when I have a massive enigma moment, I confronted my mother about the abuse of my childhood and all the endless lies she constantly tells (to this day).

After periods of not speaking, and periods of having her in my life, she has never once so much as acknowledged the abuse or her role in it, never once inquired as to my feelings about anything or the impact her bad choices and abuses had on me, and when I’ve pointed these things out, and called her out on her constant manipulations, she becomes a hysterical martyr. I’ve struggled for years trying to decide whether or not to be in contact with her.

Needless to say, the moment I knew of my pregnancy, I made the decision to not have her in my life or to ever expose my daughter to her. I also realize that exposing myself to her has a deep impact on me, and would certainly hinder my ability to be present to my family, and there is absolutely zero positive side to me having any contact with her, aside from temporarily mitigating her drama. Several months back I communicated to her that, due to the things I stated above, I needed to protect my daughter from any potential harm she would cause, and therefore she would not be meeting my baby, and I asked her to stop contacting me.

Naturally she has ignored my words and has continued to send text messages to my husband and me, and has done other manipulative things, which I fully expected, and which has added confirmation that I made the right decision.

In my brain I know I am doing the right thing, but some part me feels like I am being selfish or petty by ‘hurting’ my mother. I know this isn’t the case, but it’s like some phantom of the narrative I had driven so deeply into me as a child is still capable to whispering to me.

I accept that there will never be any true closure in this, but I would love to hear your insights, as they have been so helpful whenever I’ve heard you speak to others about similar topics, and of your own story. I think there may be something I don’t see, a remaining blind spot, which might be super obvious to you, and that if it could be made visible to me, would help me to better process the haunting feelings that I am ‘hurting my poor mother.’

I would so very much appreciate if you would have a conversation with me about this.

With deep respect and admiration,

[name]