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October 27, 2023

This episode explores the positive side of grief, self-partnership, journaling, the role of dogs as pets, addressing a child's hitting behavior, and breaking free from toxic relationships. Join for a thought-provoking journey!

2023, Stefan Molyneux

https://www.freedomain.com

Join the PREMIUM philosophy community on the web for free! Get access to the audiobook for my new book 'Peaceful Parenting,' StefBOT-AI, private livestreams, premium call in shows, the 22 Part History of Philosophers series! See you soon! https://freedomain.locals.com/support/promo/UPB2022

Generated Shownotes

Chapters

0:00:01 Introduction and Invitation to Join the Community
0:00:25 Grief: The Value of Relationships Worth Grieving
0:02:28 The Price of Being Alive: Loss and Love
0:05:39 The Unconscious Mind's Role in Providing Inspiration and Guidance
0:06:36 Inappropriate Language: Using "barf" to describe deep emotions
0:07:11 Partnering with Yourself: Listening and Allowing Inspiration
0:11:43 Processing Grief: The Loss of a Beloved Pet
0:19:11 Dogs as Proxies for Emotional Needs
0:21:37 Dogs as a Cover-Up for Dysfunctional Human Relationships
0:24:32 Concerns about the Baby's Care
0:25:39 The confusion about the baby's age and speech development
0:27:41 Examining the root causes of the baby's aggression
0:31:31 The Importance of Validating Emotions
0:33:28 Getting to the Root Cause of Emotional Dysfunctions
0:40:28 Opening Doors: From Alibaba to Popeye
0:42:13 Freedom from Emotional Prisons
0:43:26 Unconscious Influence in Relationships
0:45:32 The Power of Denormalization and Finding Better Options

Long Summary

The main speaker of the podcast/show delves into the multifaceted nature of grief, acknowledging that it can feel both bad and good. They explain that grief can feel somewhat positive because it signifies having had a valuable relationship worth grieving. They express a desire to have had the opportunity to grieve the passing of loved ones and reflect on the depth and enrichment that loss can bring to one's life.

The main speaker then shifts the focus to their current work on a Peaceful Parenting book and expresses frustration towards philosophers for not addressing the morals and ethics of childhood and parenting earlier. They caution against using derogatory language towards oneself and underscore the power and sensitivity of the mind and unconscious. The main speaker stresses the importance of forming a partnership with oneself and valuing every aspect of one's being. They warn against insulting oneself and emphasize the need for self-respect and self-friendliness in order to live a fulfilling and empowered life.

Moving on, they discuss the importance of journaling and being open to exploring one's deepest thoughts and wounds. They highlight the unconscious mind's access to knowledge and wisdom that can guide individuals if they humbly listen to it.

The main speaker then addresses the topic of grief and the loss of pets. They acknowledge the sadness and emptiness felt, but suggest that the grief may stem from the loss of the relationships and investment in the animal rather than the animal itself. They argue that dogs are biologically programmed to bond with their human owners, but their true nature is to bond with other dogs and fulfill their role in the pack. This leads to the idea that turning dogs into pets goes against their natural instincts and limits their ability to fulfill their intended purpose.

The main speaker acknowledges that dogs have been bred to bond with humans, but questions the exploitative nature of this relationship, depriving dogs of their natural instincts to have their own families. They express concerns about using dogs as substitutes for healthy human relationships and caution against relying on dogs for love and loyalty without the necessary virtues. The main speaker also raises the question of whether keeping a dog as a pet denies them their natural instincts and preferences. They suggest that the sadness felt when separated from a dog may be a cover-up for unresolved emotional dysfunction within human relationships.

In response to a listener's question about their 1.9-year-old daughter's hitting behavior, the main speaker advises against letting the hitting run its course. They provide insights into the possible root causes, such as the absence of the child's father and the lack of continuity in her caregiving. The main speaker emphasizes the importance of addressing these underlying issues rather than simply managing the child's behavior. They question the decision to have a babysitter for such a young child and urge the listener to prioritize spending time with their baby. The main speaker highlights the significance of a strong pair bond and the potential impact of father absence on a child's behavior. They seek to provide guidance and understanding rather than offering solely behavioral management techniques.

The main speaker then discusses the concept of breaking free from toxic relationships and denormalizing unhealthy dynamics. They share their personal experience of being trapped in a relationship and how a simple acknowledgment of the craziness of the situation prompted them to leave. They discuss the role of the unconscious mind in keeping individuals in unhealthy relationships and emphasize the need for external validation to break free. They also touch on the influence of social media in both feeding narcissistic tendencies and providing an avenue for others to intervene and help victims escape. The main speaker concludes by encouraging listeners to support the show, promoting their books and online community.

Brief Summary

In this episode, we explore the multifaceted nature of grief and its positive aspects. We discuss the importance of self-partnership and valuing every aspect of ourselves. We delve into the significance of journaling and the wisdom of the unconscious mind. We question the societal role of dogs as pets and the potential impact on their natural instincts and preferences. We provide insights into addressing a child's hitting behavior and emphasize the need for strong pair bonds. Lastly, we share personal experiences of breaking free from toxic relationships. Join us on this thought-provoking journey.

Transcript

Introduction and Invitation to Join the Community

[0:01] Good morning, everybody. Hope you're doing well. Stephen Molyneux from Free Domain.
Great questions from freedomain.locals.com. You got to join the community.
It's really a great group of people. All right.
Why does grief feel bad, but also a little good? Well, that is a great question.
And it made me sad.

Grief: The Value of Relationships Worth Grieving

[0:25] Grief feels a little bit good because you have had a relationship or a value, that is worth grieving, that is good enough to grieve.
I mean, honestly, I would give almost anything to have been able to grieve my father's passing, to be able to grieve his death.
It's the same thing with my mother, to have people I loved who had been there for me, who I had shepherded and navigated through the last third of their life, to have had access to some real wisdom, to have had the hand-holding, sailing into darkness, experience of helping somebody prepare for and experience death, to have gained that depth and that connection, to have been reminded of my own mortality, on a continual enough basis that it would have enriched my daily life even more.
Daily life is great, but you can always have more enrichment that way.
The real grieving is when you don't have relationships that you're close enough to grieve.
When my wife dies, when I die.

[1:47] There will be grieving beyond words because the joy of the relationship is almost beyond words.
So yeah, better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. And those who get to grieve deep and beautiful and meaningful relationships are among the luckiest.
I mean, that's the deal.
Who you love, you will lose.
Who loves you will lose you. That's the price of being alive is loss.
And the more you lose, the more you've left.
So, I think that's why.

The Price of Being Alive: Loss and Love

[2:28] Is there anyone that you have not worked with yet that you would like to work with in philosophy?

[2:35] You know, I'm working my way through the final draft of the Peaceful Parenting book.
It's going to take a while, particularly when we get to the more technical and scientific aspects of the book.
But as I'm working through this book, it is striking me that the arguments are so profound.

[3:02] Obvious, so lived, so experiential, and so simple, that I'm feeling a kind of dim and coet rage towards philosophy and philosophers as a whole. Why did it take thousands and thousands and thousands of years for a philosopher to turn his attention towards childhood and the morals of childhood and the morals and.

[3:34] Ethics of parenting. What the F have these people been doing all these thousands and thousands and thousands of years? Now you say, ah yes, well Steph you only wrote this book when you were 57. Yes, but I've been talking about it from the very beginning of this show. Oh well maybe I'll find out. So no, there's nobody I really want to work with in the realm of philosophy. How to do journaling?
Any tips or structure or just barf out all thoughts down to a paper? Oof, my friend, my friend, my friend. Oh my gosh. I mean I know I get that it's kind of a joke, but my lord above. Barf. The essence and depth of your mind, heart, and soul.

[4:35] Barf. You have a distant, overly humorous, clownish, and ironic relationship to the.

[4:46] Depth and power of your mind. I would caution against that. You are provoking enemies who will always win. Do not F with your mind. Do not F with your, unconscious. It has a million ways to take you down. It will bleed you dry of inspiration. It will set itself against you. It will interfere with your sleep. It, will mess with your health. It will refuse to give you inspiration in the time of your greatest passion, need, desire, or fear.
It is not a pet. It is not a master.
It is a sensitive, wildly creative, inventive, and dangerous companion.

The Unconscious Mind's Role in Providing Inspiration and Guidance

[5:39] I mean, you've seen me with my unconscious because I do these things unscripted for the most part, and I rely upon inspiration and connection as I do in the call-in shows. So you have now listened, if you've listened to me for any decent amount of time, I mean a dozen hours plus, you've seen my unconscious in full operation and in full cooperation with my conscious mind, providing me inspiration and guidance and listening and sensitivity and providing me connections. I did a show a week or two ago where somebody asked a question so difficult I could not answer it. And that was a live demonstration of I have to wait for the inspiration for the connection to be made.
And again you're gonna say, hey man it was only a joke.

Inappropriate Language: Using "barf" to describe deep emotions

[6:36] Don't do that. The first thing that I would do is say, why on earth would you use the word barf when it comes to your deepest and most powerful, the deepest and most powerful aspects of yourself?
You know, if I made a joke about the love of my life, calling her, I don't know which with a capital B or something like that, and said, hey man, it's just a joke.
It's like, no, there's something more going on there.
It's not a joke that would ever cross my mind.

Partnering with Yourself: Listening and Allowing Inspiration

[7:11] You know, to learn how to partner with someone else, you first have to learn how to partner with yourself, which means you listen to yourself without being commanded by yourself.
You allow inspiration without the destruction of your ego or your conscious mind, that you get a team together.
Everyone gets a seat at the table, every part of yourself, every historical part of yourself, every doubt, every debate, every conversation, everyone gets a seat at the table, and no one is your enemy.
No one is your master, no one is your enemy, internally.
You are goading and provoking. Like if somebody called you, vomit.
If somebody said that listening to you is like somebody vomiting in my ear.
My God, man, how would you feel?

[8:07] Some woman you'd been dating for a while broke up with you and said, well, listening to you is like somebody vomiting on me.
Oh no, it's just a joke. That's brutal. So I would thoroughly caution you against insulting yourself in this kind of way because the unconscious records all, and the unconscious is Old Testament, both in terms of its power and its capacity for vengeance and destruction.
I'm begging you, be friendlier to yourself, have more respect for yourself, or you will go through this life like a leaf on the wind, without depth, without power, without connection, without certitude, without authority.
When your conscious and your unconscious are lined up in a team, you're virtually unbeatable.

[9:10] So with regards to journaling be willing to listen to even the most shocking things be willing to entertain even the darkest thoughts only thoughts never act be willing to explore every wound be willing to dive into pain knowing on the other side is glory. Be willing to be surprised by everything that is within you. And don't censor. If you ask your unconscious with great humility and, depth and openness, what is wrong with us? What is wrong with me? The unconscious has a fractious relationship with the conscious ego, in my view, and because the conscious ego is in charge of what happens, but the unconscious is in charge of what motivates. So the conscious mind is in charge of actions, the unconscious mind is in charge of motivations, and so for the unconscious to get everything done, anything done, to give you guidance and wisdom, it needs to be listened to, which means that the conscious mind has to surrender its.

[10:33] Power of action to the unconscious. Again, not letting the unconscious dictate your actions, but listening with great humility to what the unconscious says.
The unconscious is way, way older than us. It's way old. It's been around a lot longer than us. And you should read my book Against the Gods and the chapter on on the unconscious as God.
It is older and wider and deeper and has access to knowledge that our conscious mind does not.

[11:05] I mean, think of the operations of your body. They all run on the unconscious.
Think of walking, think of running. This all runs on the unconscious after we've learned how to do it.
I think of your nightly dreams, how powerful they are. This is the unconscious trying to talk to you, trying to give you ancient wisdom, trying to give you wider perspective, trying to peel you off the immediate concerns of the daily to give you power and strength, to guide the giant arc of your life.

[11:33] So, barf? Are you really playing with fire, man? I strongly recommend not doing that.
All right.

Processing Grief: The Loss of a Beloved Pet

[11:43] Steph, our beloved 14-year-old Labrador passed away Friday. Any philosophy tips as I process this grief?
Well, I'm grateful our buddy boy is no longer sick and suffering.
I'm also feeling intense sadness, emptiness, and wishing we'd had more time with him.
We got him as a puppy, so he was our family member for a very long time.
I miss him so much.

[12:04] Okay, let me foreshadow this by telling you that this is going to be... you and I may part ways on this one, and that's totally fine. I could be a hundred percent wrong. It could be some failure on my part, and I apologize in advance if that's the case, but I'm going to make a case here that the grief that you're processing is not the loss of your dog but the loss of all the prior relationships that had you invest so much into an animal. I've had pets, I grew up with pets, love dogs, think they're great, but it's not a person and it's not a family member. It's not your blood, it's not even your species, it's not a family member.

[13:07] Why is it that you would bond this much with a dog?
And again, I think dogs are great, I think pets are great, this has nothing to do with anything like that.
But this level of investment?

[13:22] See, there's a vulnerability and a danger to over-investment with animals.
What's that old line? It was Jeanne Groffalo, it's okay to love your animals, just don't love your animals.
There's a vulnerability. So, dogs pair bond and with very few exceptions. They don't turn, on you, they don't betray you, they don't undermine you, they don't have mixed motives.
I mean, they're fairly simple creatures. They bond and they are, quote, loyal. But even that word, they bond. They're biochemically programmed to pair bond with whoever raises, It's the old thing where, you know, we've had countless ducks in our household and when they're very little they follow you around and it's of course very easy, oh the ducks love me, the ducks care about me, and it's like no they don't, they're just programmed, they're like NPCs, they're just robots programmed by their biochemicals. And dogs are pack animals programmed by their biochemicals, to follow the commands of the dominant species, which in this case, because the dog is with the wrong group, right? The dog is bonding to you because of a hack in his biological programming that allows him to bond with non-dogs. He should have programmed to bond with dogs because he's programmed to run with the herd, to run with the pack, to reproduce, to guard his puppies and so on.

[14:50] And so there's a biological hack that works with dogs throughout their life and the reason it works with dogs throughout their life is it's a kind of neoteny. Neoteny is when you, maintain infantile or childlike habits, practices, or demeanors into adulthood.
And so there's a hack with dogs that's partly been bred to allow them to bond with humans over over the course of their life, at the expense of what they should be doing.
I mean, let's be fair, let's be fair.
Dogs are not designed by nature to bond with humans. They're not designed to be pets.
They're not designed to, they're designed to guard and protect their fellow dogs and their own puppies.
And when we turn dogs into pets, we are taking them away from what they're designed to do.
Now, again, they've been bred for all of this, and they have a sort of biochemical, quote, affection for people and so on, but they're not out there raising, like they're not out there having their own families, they're bonded to your family.

[15:58] I'm not, you know, again, they've been bred this way, I'm not going to get into whether that's cruel or not, but it is a little bit of an exploitation, right? I mean, you are taking them away from having their own families and raising their own pups and having their own mates to bonding with you. And I don't know if you got the dog de-balled or fixed or anything like that, maybe yes maybe no, but if you did then the dog is a eunuch that stays in a perpetual state of puppiness for the sake of giving you the illusion of affection. Dogs don't love you. Dogs can't evaluate you. If you're nice to dogs they'll be nice back in general. If you're nice to people they can sometimes exploit you. So people often will run to safety with animals because you are massively reducing the variables of animals, the variables in the relationship. There's very little complexity, they're always there for you, they're always happy to see you because, you know they're, relative to human beings of course, ridiculously unintelligent, right? So they're simpletons as far as that goes. And of.

[17:14] Course I know there's lots of people and I can feel this, it's like, oh no you don't understand, there's complexity, there's affection, there's a relationship and it's like, well not compared to human beings, right? So one of my concerned is that people take refuge from sorrow in bad relationships by, bonding with animals because that way they get the illusion of loyalty and love without the virtue that is necessary for those relationships.

[17:51] You get loyalty and love and affection and consistency from virtuous people.
Dogs are programmed to simulate virtuous human beings, but they're not virtuous human beings.
Dogs have no capacity for good or evil vice or virtue because they don't have the capacity, usually through language, to compare proposed actions to ideal standards.
I mean, there's quote good and bad dogs, good boy and that kind of stuff, but, working pets obviously is fine on a farm. You need a sheepdog, you need cats to manage the, rodents and so on. Working dogs are great. And listen, I understand. Again, I love dogs. I think they're wonderful creatures, you know, but this whole we don't deserve dogs or dogs are too good for us, dogs are man's best friend.
It's like no, no, no, no, no, that's not, that's not a thing.
I want you To gain your love trust and loyalty through virtue now, of course You're going to say and it's perfectly fair and you could I'm sure I'm gonna completely believe you're gonna say no No, this was I do have you know, didn't you read? I have a family. I have a great relationship with my wife I love my kids. He was part of the family blah blah blah blah blah. I'm not gonna disagree with any of that, but.

Dogs as Proxies for Emotional Needs

[19:12] The love that you get from your family is considered and chosen based upon your moral virtues, not based upon your proximity and scratching the dog's ear.
And I want you, if in my humble opinion, I think you're going to gain more trying to figure out what, you know, usually the pattern goes something like this, that, you had a distant emotionally unavailable or abusive parents and, therefore when you bonded with a dog it was your first experience of loyalty and consistency and affection and you ran to it and I understand this emotionally it can make sense to me I'm not criticizing anything I'm just sort of pointing out what I view as a theoretical cause and effect you ran to the dog and bonded at the dog because the dog provided to you something that your parents didn't.
Again, it could be your parents, could be someone else. I just use the parents for proxy.

[20:11] But to me, it's like there's painkillers and then there's dealing with the underlying issue.
Dogs can be painkillers for loneliness, it can be painkillers for the anxiety that arises in human beings as pack animals, as pair-bonding animals.
We have anxiety when we feel isolated and so a bond with a dog takes away that agony, that isolation.
But there's always a cost to using proxies, right?
Mean if you have a Some sort of back pain and you just gobble pain pills rather than finding some way to fix the back pain assuming it's possible, Some exercise some stretch or something like that, then you gain immediate relief, But there's a price to be paid. There's always a price to be paid for proxy solutions to deep issues. So I, Could again I'm absolutely 150% committed to I could be entirely wrong on this.

[21:07] But animals don't love you. Animals don't judge you. Animals... I mean this is what my daughter's very... she's very funny when she talks about owls. They just sit there judging you. It's the way they stare without blinking. And you say, oh yes but if you're nice to dogs they're nice back. Yeah I get all of that but they're just programmed that way. Which is why we have dogs not panthers as pets or something like that, right? Because dogs can be can be trusted in that way. So I.

Dogs as a Cover-Up for Dysfunctional Human Relationships

[21:37] Don't know, did you keep the dog from his natural dogness? I mean, if you have one duck, that duck will bond with you, but you're keeping the duck from the flock and from reproduction. I wouldn't say it's selfish, but it's a little bit exploitive of the natural habits and preferences of the dog, which is to be with other dogs, to raise his family and so on. So I think the sadness that you're feeling is because the dog was a kind of proxy cover-up for a much more, well, for a dysfunctional human relationship when you were growing up or at some point. So the dog was something that gave you a sense of connection, loyalty, you know, your parents should be overjoyed every time you come home and if they're not, if they're distracted or depressed or angry or bitter or negative or hostile or something like that, then the dog is happy to see you when you come home and that's a great relief. Someone's happy to see me when I come home and that's the dog.

[22:47] So I imagine that the grief has something to do with, of course, you know, it's sad when the dog, when your dog dies, and I'm not trying to take any of that away. I'm not trying to take away any of the richness of your experience or the depth of your experience or your affection for your dog. What I am doing is I'm saying that look past the dog as to why the dog was so important to, you and deal with that grief. So, all right. Have you read the book Seven Habits of Highly Affected People? If so, any thoughts? I have read it. I don't remember much about it. All right.
Somebody writes, I have a 1.9 month old daughter, that's very precise, who as recently as three weeks ago has noticeably started hitting when she is upset.
Me and her mom do not hit her or her brothers.
And she's the only child and is cared for at her babysitters who watches her two times a week.

[23:35] She usually will slap when you carry her and she wants you to put her down or when she's upset with her brother because he has something she wants.
So far, I have tried to talk to her and just let her know in the most simple words I can use to not hit because it causes an owie.
And she usually replies with, no hit baby.
When I'm with her, I will randomly just say, no hit. Okay, mama.
And she will usually reply with no hit baby, but she continues to do it.
I'm very patient with her and constantly remind myself she is so little and I plan to continue that.
But I would like to know if there's any advice you could give me to help remedy the hitting issue, or if it's something I just have to let run its course. No, no, no, no, no.
Don't let things run their course.
One of the most dangerous things that you can ever say as a parent is, oh, it's just a phase.
That's abandoning the ship, right?
That's when usually it needs the most expert steering. All right.

Concerns about the Baby's Care

[24:32] Yeah.
1.9 month old daughter.
Well, she's angry, and why is she angry? It's always what's not said. The dog didn't bark.
Where's her father?
And why does she have a babysitter who watches her two times per week?
Why are you taking a baby less than two months old and giving her to a babysitter?
What is, where are you going? What do you do? Where's her father?
So, she is the only child who is cared for at her babysitter's who watches her two times per week.

The confusion about the baby's age and speech development

[25:39] How does a baby who's less than two months old? No, this can't be right. She can't she can't be speaking. It must be 1.9, Year old it can't be months. Sorry. I've just rebooting here for just a sec. She doesn't have no hit baby at 1.9 months, So what does this mean? It must be 1.9 years. Okay, so she's she's a year and a half then you can have, Basic sentences. Okay. Sorry. I just was lost in some of the weeds here, but the larger view. Okay, when you carry her she wants you to put it down, upset with her brother because she has something.
Okay, not to hit because it causes an owie. All right, so first of all don't insult your daughter's intelligence. Of course she knows that hitting causes an owie. You're not telling her she doesn't know. I mean if you go to a kid who's five and you say and you try to remind the kid that candy it tastes good, you're telling the kid anything the kid doesn't already know. So she knows that it causes an owie. The question is why does she want to cause an owie at a year and a half of age? Well why does she want to hurt? Because she's hurt. And why is she hurt? Again I go back to why is she with a babysitter and where is her father? Where is the continuity in her experience? And also when did she start going to the babysitter? And what are you doing that's more important than spending time with with your baby?

[27:05] What are you doing that's more important than spending time with your baby?
Now, if you say, well, I'm a single mother and I have to work, I don't understand that. I mean, I understand the words, I just don't understand that.
If you have a mother, why doesn't your mother who raised you and you became a single mother, which means your mother is somewhat involved in your bad choice of mates, your mother can take you in and your mother can take care of you for a year or two or three or four while you pair bond with your baby and you breastfeed and you give skin-on-skin contact and continuity and eye contact and so on, right?

Examining the root causes of the baby's aggression

[27:41] She hits because she's hurt now you just saying well I don't want you to hurt and giving her lectures and telling her it causes an owie is, Managing her behavior rather than looking for root causes. Why is she angry? Why does she want to hurt other people?
Because she's being hurt herself violence or aggression Is what?
Rushes into feel like violence aggression manipulation or what rush to fill in the gap lack with without a pair bond if there's no pair bond violence manipulation and aggression will rush in to fill the absence of the pair bond. So what's going on with her pair bond? What happened in the womb? What happened when she was a newborn? What happened with breastfeeding? What happened with you being there or not being there? Now she's got three primary caregivers.
She's got you, she's got her grandmother, she's got the babysitter. Babies don't want that. What do the babies want? They want continuity. They want time with their mother and they also want a father around. Father absence programs the child and we know this from the R versus K stuff right so father absence programs the child to be aggressive or submissive right both of which are forms of manipulation right. Submission is a way to get what you want by provoking pity, aggression is a way to get what you want by provoking fear. So you're looking at your daughter as, well she's hitting and I need to get her to stop hitting. That's.

[29:10] Not parenting, that's management. At least, obviously you're a parent, I'm just saying that this is management. Parenting is when you figure out what the root cause of her aggression is. Why does she want to hit people? Why is she angry?
You say, well you know she's just bad or she's impatient or it's a phase or whatever it is. It's like no no no no she's telling you something really really important. That she's angry and she's hurt. Why is she angry? Why is she hurt?
And this is an emergency in my view, because her personality is hardening along these lines, along these patterns.
If her personality hardens along these lines and patterns of using aggression and causing pain, to communicate something, to quote get what she wants, whatever.
What she wants is for you to solve the problems that are making her angry and hostile and hurt.

[29:57] But I guarantee you, beyond the shadow of a doubt, I'm not certain about a lot, but I'm certain about this.
That if whatever is in her environment is causing her to be hurt and angry, if, that continues, this pattern of behavior will harden, it will become fixed, and it, will go underground to some degree until puberty, and then it will erupt fully formed and unrecoverable. And then what will happen is you'll end up managing this aggression as she gets bigger and stronger and this manipulation as she starts to discover boys and so on and, you'll look back and you'll say whatever you're doing now that is giving her three different caregivers and maybe no father, whatever you're doing now that is around not spending time with her, you will look back and say well that wasn't worth it was it? Like whatever, even if you win a million dollars because you didn't spend time with her, you just spend all of that managing the effects of that in the teenagers. So again I don't know of course what's going on in your life. You're welcome to email me, call in at Freedomain.com. We can have a call in if you like. But yeah I would view this as a genuine emergency and just trying to manage her behavior is going to be even more annoying to her which is why it's not working. Which is why it's not working.

[31:22] I mean, I want you to picture this so you understand why this won't change your behavior.

The Importance of Validating Emotions

[31:31] If you're incredibly sad about something, let's say you've got a lover, you're incredibly sad, it's not to do with your lover, just some real sad thing has happened, you're incredibly sad, and you're crying, you know, it's not angry crying, it's just deep sorrowful body-wracking sobs and your lover comes in and says, I need you to stop crying. I need you to stop crying. Crying is upsetting.
Crying makes everyone around you upset. I need you to stop crying.
Can you stop crying for me? Can you stop crying?
How are you gonna feel?
It's the same thing when a kid is angry. He says, I need you to stop being angry.
I need you to stop hitting. I need you to stop doing that. It causes owies.
Can you stop that for mommy? Can you stop crying? Can you stop hitting? It's the same thing. People who tell you to stop doing things that express emotion are saying they don't care about the root cause of your emotion. What you want is for your lover when you're sad to come in and say, gosh what's happening? What's going on? Tell me. I'm sorry you're upset but tell me what's going on. I want to hear. I want to listen. And that's if if the guy can't change anything.

[32:52] If your sorrow is to do with your lover, your lover is emotionally distant, your lover is traveling all the time, your lover never seems to want to be home with you, and you're sobbing and you're crying, and your lover says, so what's the matter?
And you say, gosh, I just miss you so much. I miss you so much.
I want to spend more time together. I just, I feel alone, and I don't like that you're working this much.
I don't like that you're traveling this much. I just, I love you so much and I want to spend more time with you.
Then your lover can do something about it.

Getting to the Root Cause of Emotional Dysfunctions

[33:28] But if all he does is say stop crying because crying upsets people it's the same as you saying stop hitting because hitting hurts people, Get to the root cause. What is your child upset about?
And always assume your child is right. Doesn't mean obey them in every instance but just assume your child's right. Your child has legitimate things that are hurting her.

[33:49] How much do you trust this babysitter? I don't know So anyway, get to root causes. We're not about managing behavior here of you here. All right. What is behind the latest trend in younger women making TikToks and other content that shames their husbands over what they call emotional load and emotional labor? Seems like a new round of self victimization by the same feminist psyop. These women are absolutely miserable. What's this emotional labor. It is a call out to massive emotional dysfunction to say that you are better because your partner is worse. That you are higher because your partner is lower. That you are more functional because your partner is unfunctional. And I mean the guys do the same thing too. There's comedians talking about the lack of sex that they have in their marriages. My wife says no, all these excuses. I put a dollar in a jar every time to buy her a present and I can go out and buy her a hamburger and stuff like that. I mean the idea that.

[35:06] You as a man would complain about lack of sex in a pair bonding relationship. I mean, just be better, be closer, be, you know, I mean, I don't know. It's just, it's strange to me. So people who, women, are somewhat prone to this. And what it is, is a call out to other dysfunctional people to draw closer, and for functional people to stay away. Right? So women put down their partners, and it's very common, it's depressingly common, women put down their partners to make sure that their partners never encounter functional people. Because functional people don't want to hang around people who are complaining about their partners. Like we just don't want to have anything to do with that. It's a complete opposite of our experience. We have better things to do with our life than listen to pathetic people whine about the choices that they've made and to feel superior by putting down the people they claim to love. It's so such a quicksand of mess-up-edness I can't even tell you there's a bottom to it. So what dysfunctional women are continually, and this is true for men too, we're just talking about the female side of thing. What dysfunctional women are continually terrified of is that their.

[36:31] Husbands and boyfriends will meet a functional person. They have this constant anxiety that their husband is going to run into someone who says, that your relationship is kind of messed up man, like this is kind of dysfunctional. What are you doing? Your wife is, let's just say girlfriend, to lower the stakes a little, your girlfriend is is publicly talking about how much work you are and how emotionally retarded you are and how difficult it is to be with you. She's publicly out there in the world saying to everyone what a flaming trash heap you are and how much better she is than you? That's completely messed up. What are you doing? Why would you, accept that in a relationship? That's bizarre. And it is. So abusive people, manipulative people, destructive people, they need to create a moat around their victims, right? And the way that they create the moat around their victims is drive away the quality people and only let the messed up people into the lives, right? I mean you understand and I'm not going to say that the husband here is a pure victim of course he chose the woman he chose to stay with her but let's just say for the sake of argument that adult victims of abuse are always.

[38:00] About 60 seconds away from salvation. Could be less. I got out of, marrying the wrong woman because of one comment.
A friend of mine's girlfriend said, you think someone about to be married would be happier?
Oh, right. And that, what was that? Five seconds. So I was, and this is why I had little patience for my relationships at the time, is that for years, I was five to ten seconds away from salvation.
Like, are you happy?
Are you happy with this person? Is this satisfying to you?
You don't seem happy. You don't seem happy. I was five to ten seconds away from salvation, surrounded by dozens of people who claim to care about me. I was five seconds away, ten seconds away from salvation for years and years and years and nobody bothered to give me those five seconds or those ten seconds to save me. And of course I was responsible for having those people in my life. I'm not a pure victim, but it would have been nice. So you understand, are you happy?

[39:04] Are you happy with this person? Do you love, treasure, and respect this person?
Are they noble? Are they virtuous? Are they good? Are they reliable? Are they loyal?
Are they kind? Are they gentle? Are they curious? Are they strong? I mean you've heard me ask this a million times in call-in shows. Tell me about your girlfriend's virtues. Tell me what do you love about your girlfriend? What do you love about your wife? What do you love about your parents? Of course parents are unchosen, at least when you're young. So the trend is drive away the functional people so the person you're abusing and exploiting never gets the ten seconds of, liberty questions. I mean I tell you, you know what society is to me a lot of ways.
I have these visions. I have these visions of an endless prison with people, locked in. And there are people walking up and down the hallways, hurrying along.
And there are people writhing, agonized, starving, ribs showing, teeth falling out, hair wild, eyes staring, trapped in these.

Opening Doors: From Alibaba to Popeye

[40:28] And there's an old Alibaba story that the way you open the secret doors you say.

[40:37] Open sesame, open sesame, a sand chap, open sesame and it opens. Or the one from Lord of the Rings.

[40:45] Speak friend and enter and you just have to say the word friend. In Elvish I think it is and it opens right? And then there was a Popeye cartoon that I remember from a kid. They had these really wild 3D Popeye cartoons. I don't even know how they did it, but like 3D swinging backgrounds and everything. This is wild stuff. Incredibly detailed. A real labor of love. And of course spinach was considered to be important because there was a typo in the amount of iron it provided. Therefore you get Popeye.
I'm strong to that finish because I eat my spinach. And the hamburger guy. I will gladly pay you Wednesday for a hamburger today. Anyway, so a Popeye the sailor with the giant forearms is in front of a cave with a secret door and instead of coming up with the magic spell Open Sesame he says Open Ses-me and just smashes his way through the door. Open Ses-me, not Open Sesame, Open Ses-me. I really like that. You don't need magic, you just need will and strength to blast through things.
I really, I liked that as a kid. So from comedy to tragedy, back to this prison.
It's an endless prison. There's a hallway, you've got to go up and down to get places, like you go down into the prison, back up, and there are all these starving wild-eyed prisoners desperate to be free.

Freedom from Emotional Prisons

[42:13] And all you have to do is pause for a second, look at the lock and say, open says me and the lock pops open and the person is free.
There's no reason for people to be in those dungeons, there's no reason for people to be trapped in those cells, there's no reason, they can't open them from the inside but from the outside you just have to say open says me, lock, breaks, person is out and they have a life. They can begin to heal, they can get out of the prison. I was in a prison in this relationship off and on for years, and look it wasn't a terrible relationship or anything wasn't horrible or anything like that but it wasn't for me it wasn't right for me or for the woman and all had someone had to do that all these people walking up and down I'm in this this little prison cell all people had to do was say open says me, lock me open and I'm out I'm out I'm bolting heading to the sunlight not looking back.
And that's what I did.
Open Sesame.

Unconscious Influence in Relationships

[43:26] The unconscious knows if your girlfriend is crazy. Your unconscious knows that your girlfriend is crazy.
But your unconscious won't give up the relationship unless someone says your girlfriend is crazy.
Because your unconscious wants to reproduce. And it needs the relationship to be denormalized.
Otherwise, if everyone in the tribe is crazy, there's no point trying to get away from the crazy girl.
Because all the girls are crazy, all the boys are crazy, all the women, all the men are crazy.
And so if nobody says she's crazy, it means there's nobody who's sane and the best thing you can do is mate with the crazy person and hope that sanity can evolve in the tribe at some point in the future. It's the best you can do. Or to put it another way, when all that was available was crazy, Those who refuse to mate with crazy, those genes didn't pass along.
So there's just an external word that is always needed.

[44:29] To break free. Somebody has to walk past your prison, look at you and say open says me and this is my call and shows, this has been my show of my life for decades and decades and decades just walking past people and saying open says me, open says me and then you're out. What you do when you're out is up to you but you're out if you want it. At least the door is unlocked you can push it and go out. I hope you will. So the unconscious says I need I just need someone to say the magic words five seconds ten seconds maybe thirty I just need someone to say the magic words, And we're out. And people spend their whole lives waiting in their prison cells for someone to say, open sesame. She's crazy. You don't have to do that. Are you happy? Shouldn't you be happier?
What's wrong with her? No, that's not right. Denormalize. Denormalize is open sesame.

The Power of Denormalization and Finding Better Options

[45:32] You don't have to stay here. This isn't the only place you can breed. You can get someplace better. Now the internet of course has given narcissists great capacity to feed their vanity, their egos, the thirst traps, the likes, the clicks, the shares, the you slay queen beauty blah blah blah. So cute. Right, so it's given narcissistic people great feedback and people really hate narcissists, which is why they give narcissists all that positive feedback to trap them in their narcissism, weld up the cage from the outside. But the problem is of course with that great positive feedback comes a whole bunch of millions and millions of people who can say, open says me, to the cages where you keep your victims.
They're not underground, they're not hidden Temperance Brennan style, in a car.

[46:30] Under gravel. They're not hidden, they're not... anybody can send a message to your boyfriend saying there's something really not right about her, this is not good, it's not right, this is not healthy. And you would be amazed at what that does. Well I'm not. When you've listened to this show you've heard me do it a million times. Someone can come along, if you're a bad person, someone can come along to your victims and spirit them away like that. So you've got to build these big fiery moats, you've got to create this whole separate walled-off universe. I mean you can see this with the sort of ideological split in social media that the conservatives go this way, the liberals go this way and never the Wayne shall meet. They have to create their own universes where outside information doesn't come in so that the conditioning isn't broken. So yeah, that's what they're doing. All right, I will do the follower of Christ another time but I think I've done some pretty great stuff today.
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Lots of love, everyone.
Bye.

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