"Parenting Overwhelm and a failing Marriage- I don't want to yell anymore.

"I am 6 months post partum with baby #3- oldest just turning 4. My body is so depleted and I am so overwhelmed and have crazy low moments emotionally. I hate myself for yelling at my kids to clean up, don't climb or touch things etc. I just flip and hate it so much. I'm a christ follower and a generally happy person but I want to dig into my broken childhood more and wrong mindsets etc to be healed. I hate yelling and so afraid I'm damaging my kids like I was. My mareiage sucks- my husband constantly chooses porn/masturbation (which we view as sin) and knows the steps to take/people to talk to deal with his junk. He doesn't take personal responsibility and whenever I express how I don't feel loved or heard etc he shuts down and turns it back on me- gaslights me making it my problem. He's constantly sarcastic and derogatory and I just feel used by him. Besides providing for us and helping with the kids some on the weekends (he works nights which I hate) I absolutely don't think he is for me or loves me. Just what I do for him. Yet he wonders why I don't want to have sex when he doesn't hear me and just says crap like "do your duty and suck it". Wtf? I'm so hurt and angry at him. My friend who listens to your show told me I need to and to try to get on a call with you. She said the real people I need to get angry with are my parents and until I dig that root out I'll just keep getting mad at the wrong people, like my kids (which she learned from you). And my husband too.

"I actually only listened to one episode and had various revelations. I realized that I do have crazy unrealistic expectations for my kids and deep down I think I believe no-one is for me and people are trying to hurt me. Like I'm not truly loved. People keep rejecting me. It's hard to deal with some of this when my husband doesn't this on a daily basis. :(

"I know my kids aren't trying to hurt me by making a mess when I worked hard to clean etc. They are just playing like kids should. But maybe I feel that deep down. I get so triggered and wasn't taught emotional regulation. I want to learn. I want to not live or think like a victim. I want to dig up whatever is causing me to be sooo triggered at a drop of a hat. I want a good marriage and to respect my husband. I don't want a divorce. I don't want to think it's all about me (a twisted version of selfishness, thinking like a victim). Ug. I feel so crazy in moments feeling like I need zoloft or something but hate the thought of that. I'm trying various natural remedies for giving my body what it needs but not much is working.

"My husband even gaslit me just now. Earlier he said he wanted to have some cuddles and talk maybe when the kids go to bed. Nope. He said not at 11:30 at night... yet during the week he expects me to wake up at 3am to "spend time with him" because that's the best time for him. Then makes it my fault because I didn't wake up. Are you kidding me?! He just doesn't want to deal with stuff. And I told him I'm going to leave for 2 hours in the am to a coffee shop for alone time (which the only time I've gotten any sort of break is when his parents babysit). It's like pulling teeth for me to get a 20 min bath alone 1x a week! He says it's my job and was made for it. I am a stay at home mom. I'm allowed a freaking break. And when I just told him I was leaving for 2 hours (I normally don't unless it's a Dr apt or grocery shopping = not a true break!) He asked if I need drugs. Like anti depressants. I might but I'm allowed a break! I literally want to go to the coffee shop to read my Bible and journal and recharge some. I feel like a godly husband, like he claims and pretends to be, should be happy I want to do those things. It's hard to stay joyful with my husband the way he is. I have done inner healing prayer, some counseling from my pastor, we've done marriage retreats and intensive counseling weekends, I've done womens retreats and classes. I'm trying to read self help books etc. I just don't know what to do. I hate the way I feel inside when overwhelmed and get frustrated so easily. How can I deal with my junk and be the best mom I can be? Even if my marriage sucks."

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