My daughter is going astray. At age 20, is she beyond my reach?

Q: How do four children (two boys, two girls) from the same loving parents turn out so different in nature and manners that some even end up hating their parents?

I maintained a demanding job at my workplace while my kids were young, but I hired a very good nanny. I always got home to spend time with each child separately. At least one parent attended their sports/musical/dance events, and each tried to have quiet time with every child to hear their thoughts, help with problems, etc.

By the time we divorced, after 25 years together, the older three children were on paths in further education and eventually to good, satisfying jobs. But not my youngest daughter, now 20. Though she received the most attention from her siblings and her father and I, she’s emerged as an envious, angry, self-centred young woman.

She switched courses in school whenever possible. Her interests were boys, clothes and partying. We were also made aware of her excessive drinking by her former best friend. Nothing that we’ve all tried, to catch her interest or spark some ambition, has worked.

Her desire for money despite not working makes me fear she’ll sink into dangerous choices I won’t even mention. What can I do to help my daughter?

Fearing a Bad Outcome
A: Since your other three children got onto successful paths, it seems that this daughter purposely chose to stand out.

Maybe she felt intimated by their achievements or she wanted to be noticed as different from them. There’s also the questions of who were her friends, and the influences of the times in which she was a young teen, getting attention in her own way.

I don’t know those particulars, but you do. Today, she’s on the brink of an even more troubled life, largely of her own making.

She needs strong reassurance that you and her father still love her despite her worrying behaviour. She needs attention, not more money for drugs or alcohol or whatever.

See a professional therapist experienced with angry, potentially addicted and highly vulnerable young females. Ask for help for yourself in reaching out to your daughter and re-creating some trust in you from her.

Hopefully, you’ll learn how to win some trust from her. Then, ask her to attend the counsellor with you, but without ultimatums.

This plan is only a start. You may have to start from scratch again. Your ultimate goal is to help her work at staying safe.

If you have means and ability to convince her to enter a treatment centre, that’s another route to consider.